“In the quest to understand your purpose, your biggest clue lies within your greatest struggle.”
I am not searching for my purpose, I am running away from the purpose that is all too obvious. It is the one that says to think small, spend time alone, be present, to let life go ahead on its own, and to not worry about things like purpose, changing the world, or saving the planet. My journey is not to find some grand complex meaning, but to accept the simplicity I already know to be true.
These are powerful moments when you seriously start to question the most basic assumptions of who you think you are. And very brave of Ronda to make this struggle public.
I hate the idea of being labelled a spiritual ‘seeker’. It feels like the label itself would keep me from everything that I am looking for.
I don’t know how to obtain something that I can’t first imagine with my mind. I can’t become an enlightened or realized being because I can’t sufficiently imagine what it would be like first.
I love going for walks in the park at this time of year. It’s cold enough that there are very few people there, but not too cold that you can’t dress up and be comfortable. I treasure these times of solitude.
I mourn the fact that this false identity that I have spent my whole life cultivating (and unfortunately still cultivate to some degree) will never join me should I achieve enlightenment. That they will not reap the spoils of suffering is intensely sad.
I now know that anything I do in an effort to heal this identity will only keep me from the bliss I seek. I have to stop trying to save me as this only reinforces the idea of “I”.
I have an innate desire to be profound. It must be ego, but I wish to make discoveries about the nature of humanity that will ultimately lead us all to be happy and peaceful.
Saving humanity seems like a noble goal but also self serving, for such a person would likely be held in high regard. Do I need to discard it with the rest of the ego as I attempt to understand the true nature of the self?
I believe that when humans achieved self awareness there was a split in the universe. Along with the eternal natural evolution of existence, a separate path for the false “I” was born.
We are all much more concerned with ‘how long we live’ rather than ‘how we live’. We would gladly sacrifice enjoyment for longevity. I saw evidence this morning as a school in Toronto outlawed tag at recess because a few kids got hurt. Surely there were other measures that could have been implemented rather than this knee jerk reaction.
It’s not hard to explain Donald Trump. The policies he promotes indicate that he is very much afraid. The support he receives say much of America feels the exact same way. Conquering fear has never been more important.
I used to believe that corporations were the source of all evil. But now I believe that if we infuse them with a purpose that is aligned with core values of humanity they can be an invaluable vehicle for progress. The rise of purpose driven organizations has truly given me hope.
I had a beautiful moment a few weeks ago where the idea that some ‘person’ existed somewhere inside my body was absolutely preposterous. I went on to think “if there’s no person, then what the heck is going on here?!?” The hours that followed where I couldn’t rationalize my own existence felt very easy.
Mooji has many great quotes but this one in particular really touched me. After one person at his Satsang said he was exhausted he replied (and I’m paraphrasing) “Being a person takes a lot of energy. Being yourself takes no energy at all.” This is a great compass. if what I am doing takes effort, than it is wrong lol!
Everything in my world felt like noise.
Every day and every experience just seemed to be adding layers of noise. They were adding complexity to the already complex. Whether it is thoughts about money, relationships, my job, my purpose and even spirituality, it all still felt like noise distracting me from me real self. My problems were all layers, and even the solutions to those problems became a layer on top of that.
Peace was a layer.
Fulfillment was a layer.
Freedom was a layer.
Love was a layer.
Maybe not experientially, but as long as I only knew them conceptually they were layers. I was overflowing with content as I got more and more lost in this ever increasing pile of things. I was hidden beneath it all and the only way to access it was to become completely silent. And to listen. But actually, even the idea of listening became another layer. I was thus forced to surrender and let go. But I could only think about surrender conceptually and it became another ‘thing’ to let go of. Eventually I fell back in my chair and just stopped. Suddenly and mercifully.
My mind can not narrate this spiritual journey. I must go alone.
Leading up to this moment I had been desperately searching for my purpose. Digging deep into my past. Looking at all of the things that I love doing, things that I hate doing, things that seem to come naturally, and things I have to work to make happen. I have read Start With Why, The Secret, A New Earth, & Steve Jobs’ Biography to name a few. These are all books that deal with purpose to some extent. And after all of that, and hours of contemplation, I came to one stark realization:
Life has no purpose. We are simply here because we are here.
This is not a depressing revelation. It is only the ego that must have a reason for being. Purpose, as grand and wonderful as it seems is just another limitation. As is everything that you use to try and define yourself. My only freedom is to become purposeless.
I am here. That is all I know. That is all that matters.
I feel like I’ve been born with a gift, but I’m just not using it right.