Tag Archives: Love

Knowingly of Love

I’ve staked a claim

Where gratitude was needed

I’ve run from all pain

As forgiveness was pleaded

I’ve puffed out my chest

Desperate to disappear

Outwardly at my best

My heart burning with fear

Blinded by destiny

I could never be here

A prayer to sleep restfully

I whispered in your ear

Even God could not speak it

In a way that was enough

It’s laughable that I seek it

And talk knowingly of love

Freedom From the Noise of Life

Everything in my world felt like noise.

Every day and every experience just seemed to be adding layers of noise. They were adding complexity to the already complex. Whether it is thoughts about money, relationships, my job, my purpose and even spirituality, it all still felt like noise distracting me from me real self. My problems were all layers, and even the solutions to those problems became a layer on top of that.

Peace was a layer.

Fulfillment was a layer.

Freedom was a layer.

Love was a layer.

Maybe not experientially, but as long as I only knew them conceptually they were layers. I was overflowing with content as I got more and more lost in this ever increasing pile of things. I was hidden beneath it all and the only way to access it was to become completely silent. And to listen. But actually, even the idea of listening became another layer. I was thus forced to surrender and let go. But I could only think about surrender conceptually and it became another ‘thing’ to let go of. Eventually I fell back in my chair and just stopped. Suddenly and mercifully.

My mind can not narrate this spiritual journey. I must go alone.

Leading up to this moment I had been desperately searching for my purpose. Digging deep into my past. Looking at all of the things that I love doing, things that I hate doing, things that seem to come naturally, and things I have to work to make happen. I have read Start With Why, The Secret, A New Earth, & Steve Jobs’ Biography to name a few. These are all books that deal with purpose to some extent. And after all of that, and hours of contemplation, I came to one stark realization:

Life has no purpose. We are simply here because we are here.

This is not a depressing revelation. It is only the ego that must have a reason for being. Purpose, as grand and wonderful as it seems is just another limitation. As is everything that you use to try and define yourself. My only freedom is to become purposeless.

I am here. That is all I know. That is all that matters.

I Need Your Help, I Need Your Grace, & I Need Your Love – An Act Of Surrender

“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go.”

– Abraham Lincoln

It’s the dreaded thought that I am completely alone in the universe that leads me to take action on my own behalf. My greatest fear is that there is no hidden force in life guiding me, making decisions for me, or taking care of me. Thus I have embarked on a seemingly eternal mission to hack the purpose of life. To learn the techniques that will make me happy, bring me success, and bring me love. But having been guided by fear I was always bound to fail, and bound to suffer.

I dig deep inside myself to find the strength and courage it takes to admit that I can’t do it. That I can’t figure it out, I don’t know how to live, and I don’t know how to be happy. That even to take the next step right in front of me paralyzes me with fear. It has been such a heavy burden attempting to outsmart life. To learn the secret code of living so I can finally be at peace.

In the ruins of such a catastrophic failure I am left with no choice but to scream out to God for help. Over and over the thought repeats “I need your help!”. It feels like belief in God is secondary at this point. Desperation has made me ripe. As this phrase repeats, and softens, I begin to relax. It may be the most authentic act of surrender I have ever made.

The words in my head change. I repeat the phrases “I need your grace” & “I need your love”.

My body releases the anxiety I have been holding on to but those words in my thoughts continue. It strikes me odd as I am no longer suffering but still repeating my call to God. I recognize it through spiritual teachings as a separation between my thoughts and my self. The distinction has become much more apparent in my unusual calmness. Surrender, I am learning, is not a milestone in the spiritual journey. It is a permanent state.

This life is not my own. And it is not a riddle. I don’t need to develop the skills to figure it out some day in the distant future. This beautiful life is for everyone and it does not discriminate.

Peace & Love

Losing Interests and Gaining Perspective

In recent weeks I must admit that I am losing interest in all of those things that I used to consider staples in my daily living.

I used to watch at least part of every hockey game that would come on TV, then I would only watch Ottawa Senators games, now I am barely interested enough to watch one period. Even playing hockey has lost some of it’s appeal. I go once per week but I now feel I can take it or leave it.

I also used to be somewhat of a movie buff. Often hitting the cinema at least weekly, and even maintaining a bi-weekly schedule when two kids came along. But now, with my wife and two kids away on vacation I have little desire to hit the theater. Not even the guilty pleasure of popcorn and fountain-pop can pull me in!

Watching TV also seems to be heading the way of the dinosaur. Last night I watched the premiere of an old favourite ‘Survivor’, and then the start of ‘The Amazing Race’. Survivor was entertaining enough, but I doubt I will watch a whole season. The Amazing Race actually gave me a headache. There are so many fast takes, and lightning quick switches between scenes that I couldn’t even keep my eyes on the screen.

Even my desire to blog has greatly reduced. For several months I was posting every day and now I believe this is my first post in two weeks!

This process has accelerated since my family headed to Florida to take in the sun. I stayed home for financial reasons, and for lack of vacation days. But I had figured I would be indulging in all of these guilty pleasures while they were away, instead I find myself sitting at home and not wanting to do any of them!

I don’t feel depressed. I am not unhappy. What the heck is happening!?

I have come to believe that with all of the stresses of having a young family I clung to these things as a sort of an escapism. That the only real reason I wanted to do any of them was to get away from the never ending responsibilities of raising two girls. The greatest blessing of this time alone may be an increased presence when my family returns. That instead of thinking when I will get my next break, I will realize that what I truly want is to simply spend time with them.

A part of me also knows that these fading interests are a vital part of my spiritual journey. That all of the things that I used to view as an integral part of me are just not that important. Everything I am not needs to go away so I can finally figure out who I am. There is saying I have that goes “First love empties you, then love fills you.”

Over the past few days there have been these incredible moments where I am sitting on my couch, the house is quiet, the dog is resting, the sun has set, and there’s just one lamp on in the corner. Those are golden moments. They are filled with silence and stillness. I can feel my breaths happen effortlessly. I don’t control when they happen, or how deep they go. I sense the aliveness of my body as something separate from my point of observation. I feel like a part of the whole. There is the body that came out of the universe, and the seeing presence that knows this. It is such a peaceful feeling.

I must be absolutely grateful to my wife for giving me this opportunity to have such experiences. She didn’t have to drag both kids through an airport, spend two weeks with a family that often drive her batty, and lose hours upon hours of sleep with no break. But she went anyway. And while she struggles, I have grown. That is sacrifice, that is love.