Who Am I?
Who am I indeed. Who is it that could ask such a circular question? Better yet, who could ask it and not know the answer? What details about the “who” is the asker expecting to learn?
And don’t details sound an awful lot like content. Content being all that you are not as almost any rookie seeker may have read. The old saying “The devil is in the details” certainly takes on a whole new meaning.
It can only be the mind that asks for more information, more facts, and more guidance. Any ever-present, unchanging, observing self can have only a very limited interest in the question, who am I.
“I am that I am” as God said to Moses.
However, through this inquiry the seeker learns that the question itself has become another obstacle. Another quest of the mind on the journey to absolution. To continue to ask it is to remain trapped in your head.
Therefore the question must burn itself up. Forever it must remain unanswered, at least in the conventional sense. “Call Off The Search” as the title of Papaji’s documentary instructs.
It is better to keep quiet than for the mind to keep busy with questions. “Silence is the language of God” as Rumi famously said.
Anxious poison in my heart
Feels like bursting wide apart
It is my lungs now cut in half
A voice that cracks and never laughs
Stress is squeezed around my head
Misunderstands each comment said
Feel my heart beat through my chest
Makes every step a failed test
Fear of death is what ages me
Blinded from what the sages see
Keeps me naked in the rain
Frozen with no chance to change
Depression’s weight still crushes me
Like ten thousand gravities
Tidal waves on a rocky shore
Pounds with unrelenting force
All is still my fighter dies
Screamed out his final battle cries
Amongst the ruins a surprise
Waves retreat and hopes arise
As I sit and lie in waste
I search for God and test my faith
A glimpse of some new mystery
Captively entices me
First things first I’m not my mind
In any action I can not find
All that happens I must allow
The thin line of the present now
Surrender all and do not define
There is no me and what is mine
All that I am I’ve always been
With no real hate and no real sin
It is not a God of bearded chin
Booming voice nor whitened skin
It is but Love that dwells within
Accepts all things, all forms of kin
Pain and purpose start to merge
All separations must converge
Truth flows through abandoned minds
Frees Love within all humankind
The closer I get to enlightenment the more it frightens me. The deeper I look, the bigger it gets.
To transcend the mind is to abandon everything you “know” about yourself. Your likes and dislikes. Your fears and desires. Your definitions of love and hate, good and evil. It is the absence of who in the question ‘Who am I?’. It is to admit not only is there a God in you, but that you ARE God. That hidden within you is the purpose of all life. That you are an expression of life and while the form of that expression may pass, that essence of life, that Godliness within you, goes on.
To truly dabble in this world is overwhelming. When you do you start to separate from your attachments. In doing so you realize the sheer quantity of them. Your job, your house, your family, your personality, your hobbies, your wit, your look, your skills, your religion, your health, your thoughts… All unsteady as they prop up your identity. And every one must go. Not very easily done, even when your hand is forced.
It is a door that I’ve started to open and it won’t shut even if I wanted it to.
If you prefer smoke over fire
then get up now and leave.
For I do not intend to perfume
your mind’s clothing
with more sooty knowledge.
No, I have something else in mind.
Today I hold a flame in my left hand
and a sword in my right.
There will be no damage control today.
For God is in a mood
to plunder your riches and
fling you nakedly
into such breathtaking poverty
that all that will be left of you
will be a tendency to shine.
So don’t just sit around this flame
choking on your mind.
For this is no campfire song
to mindlessly mantra yourself to sleep with.
Jump now into the space
and exit this dream
before I burn the damn place down.