If I knew that I would never be given the opportunity to chase my dreams, that I would never make more money than I do now, that I would never experience any more success, that my relationship would never change, that I would always live in the same house, that I would never make any more friends, and that I would always drive the same car, how would that impact me?
I suppose for anyone that finds any of those aspects utterly intolerable they may contemplate suicide. However, the impact of really placing myself within this scenario was surprising. All of these things act as temptations, luring me away from the simple experience of being within myself. These are all things requiring chasing, and built upon the assumption that I am not good enough as I am. That I am not worthy.
Worthiness is concept that I have been paying special attention to lately. For the longest time, and for reasons I don’t yet completely understand, I have been living under the presumption that I am not worthy. It is this exact feeling that prevents me from simply resting within who I am, or what I am. The more unworthy I feel, the more I get in my head trying to figure out how to become worthy.
The antidote for this feeling was almost as equally surprising. It may be mistaken for selfishness but I prefer to label it as self-attention. I simply say to myself “There is nothing more important in the entire universe than what is happening inside of me right now.” This statement gives me permission right now to focus entirely on myself even as the entire external world is demanding that I establish my worthiness first.
This seems to be in contrast to one of the great ideals of most spiritual communities, of living a life in service to others. How can I be spiritual and then say that what is happening within me is the most important thing in the entire universe? Easy, because EVERYTHING is happening within me! I can know of no other universe than my internal universe.
I believe that a life of service is noble but it must be given with complete freedom and void of any sense of resentment, not matter how minuscule. I believe that to persuade someone into a life of service before they are ready can actually do more harm than good. Either outcome of such a scenario (1. I agree to help even though I don’t want to so I feel resentment; or 2. I decline to help but now feel guilty) both cause an increase in feelings of unworthiness. And this becomes an obstacle to their own realization.
A person’s first duty in life is self-inquiry. Look deep inside yourself for as long you need until you establish a deep and lasting peace with your own existence. Let nothing external tell you what you should be doing, let no judgment control your actions, and let no expectations guide your steps. Place yourself in the highest importance and rest there.